The Skinny Squad

Hola, kittens.

{all suitcases by Louis Vuitton; image via Pinterest}

Get out your batik bikinis because it’s officially resort season! Mama Chat just left for the Caribbean this morning with her monogrammed Louis 55″ Keepalls stuffed to their proverbial gills. I’ll admit, jealously was oozing from my claws while I admired tropical Hermès scarves that tangled with chunky coral and turquoise necklaces. Poor moi left with my collection of cashmere sweaters, a laptop and a demonic-looking pile of work.

So, while I pretend to be lounging on the scorching sands of the Turks & Caicos in my cherry and lime Malia Mills bikini, I figured I’ll share with all you kittens my head start on getting my figure ready for the resorts. Simultaneously, you might be able to shed that Thanksgiving weight you might have been covering up under your Ralph Lauren circle sweaters.

Follow these rules and you, my darlings, will be welcomed into the skinny squad.

1. Drink one glass of water every hour. It will help to make you feel full.

2. Drink ice cold water. Your body will burn calories just getting the water to a normal temperature to digest. Also it is great for your complexion.

3. Drink three cups of green tea daily. It will help boost your metabolism, plus its anti-oxidants make your skin look great.

4. Take vitamins daily. Do not take vitamins on an empty stomache, otherwise they have nothing to catalyze with.

5. Participate in aerobic dance or yoga. Do it until you’re exhausted.

6. Take cold showers because your body will burn calories to heat you back up.

7. DON’T take laxatives. They don’t help you to lose weight.

8. Brush your teeth constantly so you won’t be tempted to eat afterwards.

9. Clean something gross (toilet, litter box, boyfriend’s closet) when you want to eat randomly. You will not want to eat after cleaning a litter box.

10. Chew food thoroughly and then take a sip of water between bites. You will feel full quicker and will not eat as much.

11.  Sleep at least six hours a day. If you get less than six this can lower your metabolism by 15%.

12. Avoid alcohol! A shot of liquor has 100-120 calories, a glass of wine has 80 calories, a lite beer has 110-120 calories, and a regular beer has 140-170 calories.

13. Eat lots of fiber. It makes you feel full and takes fat with it out of your body. The natural cleansing helps improve both your energy level and overall feeling of wellness.

14. Read the nutritional information. Remember, fat-free does not mean calorie-free. Also keep an eye on fiber content. Get as much fiber into your diet as you can, while cutting fat and calories.

I’m off to dream about the upcoming summer. Au revoir!

Stay purring..

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One thought on “The Skinny Squad

  1. Hello “John Spurry”. I don’t understand your hostility towards me and if you haven’t noticed or do not possess the mental capacity to do so, this blog is a satire (for your small, elementary brain, that means “tongue-in-cheek” which further denotes sarcasm). I’m not going to sink to your childish level and respond with an insulting remark but please do not comment with hurtful things. I am unaware of anything I have done to you and I have no idea what drove you to write such a mean comment but please refrain from doing so in the future. I hope you know where Off is because it’s the general direction in which I’d wish you’d fuck. Please and thank you. Have a nice evening.

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